I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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