I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
