She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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