If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she smelled like a LAN party
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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