I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Bring me that man meat
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
