the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
