so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
