I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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