So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
