I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My bed smells like the plague
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