dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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