dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Your cock deserves a montage
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
