why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
