I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
