I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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