you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
