This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He better not be in your backpack
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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