i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
