OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
