After last night, I could never be a politician.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
