All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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