I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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