i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
