I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
