wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
