Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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