Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
