When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
