Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
