Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
