Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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