I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
