there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
