remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize