I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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