just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
