I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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