I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
