your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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