sarcasm needs its own font
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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