i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
