she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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