Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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