Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
