So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
