Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We are all done wearing pants today
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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