five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
