I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
