I wish life had little blips of pornography
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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