I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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