i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
