This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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