i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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