You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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