it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
