NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
