im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
