If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
