I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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