there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
