You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
