Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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