Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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