my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
