I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
