Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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