Already got asked if we're dating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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